What's wrong with Millennials? Are Millennials broken and defective?
Why do educators and parents treat them as if they are and what is the potential impact?
Being told and treated as if you're broken when nothing seems wrong to you is very much at the core of most Millennials experience.
Millennials obviously have a different set of issues. They are told to turn off their iPods/TVs, get off the phone and study. Focus! Pay attention! Follow the rules!! Usually prefaced with the phrase “Why can’t you…?” And their usually unvocalized answer that no one seems to get is “Because I don’t function the way you do, if I do it that way I’m bored out of my mind and restless.”
One of the reasons I’ve focused on creating and sharing information that helps employers, educators and parents understand Millennials is that I understand exactly how painful it is to be treated like you need to be fixed and corrected all the time. Some years ago as part of an elaborate job application process I was diagnosed as having borderline Asperger’s syndrome. Asperger’s is at the high end of what are now referred to as autism spectrum disorders (ASD). When I was younger barely anyone had heard of autism and Asperger’s was yet to be identified. I was always considered just a weird and kind of creepy kid and, as I got older, more or less an insensitive but intelligent jerk.
Like many Asperger’s sufferers (Aspys) I am of above average intelligence. Over time I have learned to emulate normalcy. I've basically forced myself to memorize appropriate social behaviors. With no small effort I've learned to recognize and respond correctly to the emotions and expressions of others. Even today however, what Neuro Typicals (NT’s) …aka “normal people”… do virtually unconsciously, requires deliberate focused effort on my part. For NT’s things like empathy and compassion are as effortless as reading this sentence. For me it's more like reading Greek upside down in a mirror.
Before I acquired the ability to blend in or pass for normal in most interactions my life was incredibly stressful. The question ‘what is wrong with you?’ sounds innocuous enough but after you've heard it several thousand times it starts to sound more like what I imagine a newspaper being rolled up sounds like to a dog that knows he’s about to be hit. Nearly every adult I ever encountered in my childhood and adolescence seemed to want to fix me. “You're so smart, if you'd only….” “Why can't you get this? It's so simple!” “How many times have I told you to…?” I’d estimate I was pelted with at least a dozen conversations in these veins every day for close to 20 years.
Fortunately for me my maternal grandmother was primarily responsible for raising my brother and I until I was almost eight years old. It was pretty obvious from the start that I wasn’t a normal child. I almost never cried, seldom laughed and hardly spoke a word until I was three, when I abruptly began speaking in complete sentences one day. All that time and from then on “Ma” always said ‘he’s fine; he’s just different.’ More importantly that's what she always told me ‘you're fine, you're just different.’ It's a simple enough thing to say but I could tell she really believed it and she operated as if it were true. If I said or did something inappropriate she never once took the ‘what's wrong with you?’ tack. She might stop and say ‘do you see what just happened there?’ or ‘this is why they got upset’. She never started from ‘you've screwed up again.’ and she always finished with ‘don't worry, you're fine.’
Those may seem like pretty small things, but unconditional love and acceptance from even one person when the rest of the world thinks you're inexcusably damaged goods can be the difference in feeling like you're at the bottom of a black pit versus in a safe, comfortable room softly lit by just one candle. As I learned to adapt over the years there were more people who recognized that different isn't automatically defective. Still, I can’t imagine what my life would have been like if it weren't for my grandmother’s unwavering and automatic belief in me.
There have always been people with the types of issues that Millennials are confronting today. They didn't exist in any large numbers as Millennials do, but people who seem to operate on different wavelengths have been and will always be around. How the world handles their differences and how they cope with being different is the distance between feeling like an outcast and knowing that you are outstanding in some way.
When parents, educators and employers go through our material on “Understanding Millennials” and see how computer work, video games and high speed, image rich entertainment stimulus has created a generation that thinks in menu-systems, is compulsive about problem solving and attenuates layers of patterns, observations and choices – they can begin to see that it isn’t a matter of too much going on at once – their Millennials do better when they can operate at a higher level of challenge.
Just as much as this interaction with technology has created brain patterns that process faster and better – the cultural shifts and exposure through 24/7 access to every terrible thing happening throughout the world has shifted Millennials to be focused on relationships – with family and friends being a high priority. Teachers, parents and employers who are irritated by how they respond and what appears to them to be scattered thinking and boredom often miss making a connection with them on a relationship level which widens the feeling of disconnection.
A lot of Millennials don't feel they have anyone other than their peers who aren't trying to fix them. Of course many Millennials are bright enough to act “fixed”, to emulate what we seem to want, but often despite this, they really do feel broken. It's worse than trying to pitch or catch with your off hand. For them being like us is like trying to juggle with your hands tied behind your back. Millennials really do want and need our approval. The problem is most of us seem unwilling or incapable of approving of them just as they are. Setting it up with them having to “fake” normal behavior to be accepted can create a huge breach in their relationship with their parents that only grows wider in time.
If you can gain insight into how they are thinking and responding and you can help them learn to interact positively and respectfully with “normal” people in older generations – without the underlying tone that they are rude or broken – that’s great. But on a primary level, be a parent for the child you have, not the child you think you should have. Remember that the very things that seem out of step and too fast-paced and scattered are the ways that they may be perfectly adapted to a world that is just beginning to exist.
Scott Degraffenreid, Social Network Architect
Scott Degraffenreid is a Social Network Analyst who brings a wealth of knowledge in the areas of business referrals, employee retention and recruiting.
As a Behavioral Statistician and Social Network Analyst, he has participated in projects for over one hundred organizations with accountabilities ranging from survey research, database analysis and field studies to research design and statistical modeling of group behaviors.
Scott’s ability to assimilate and grasp intricate organizational issues as they relate to corporate and market dynamics allows him to bring a unique mathematical perspective to complex environments.
To contact Scott's office: 1.360.830.6692
